Feminist. Scientist. Kinky AF.
KT of NYC, speaks her truth about sexual power dynamics, establishing healthy boundaries and identity.
K: What aspect defines your sexuality the most?
KT: Feeling safe while being put in a roleplay that would in real life make me feel very scared and unsafe. in fewer words: feeling safe.
K. Describe the most awkward experience you have experienced talking to a new sex partner your desires.
KT: oh man…
there are so many, but one is definitely when i tried asking my very first college boyfriend if i could call him daddy, and having him give me the most horrified disgusted look ever, and telling me that he could never let me do that- “because it’s gross and wrong”.
I lived for the next several months thinking i was completely abnormal and thought i’d never be able to have pleasurable sex.
Another is trying to describe to someone totally not into BDSM, that i do indeed want them to say vile things to me and pretend to abuse me, and having them just back away slowly and never call me again…
K: How do you set healthy boundaries with your sexual partners?
KT: Being honest from the start about your feelings towards sex and other sexual acts, and keeping a very open line of communication the entire time. Making sure as well to continue asking if the other person is okay with everything- especially if you’re with a new partner (or partners).
K: What are some things you have had to unlearn or let go of to have more fulfilling sex?
KT: I have had to learn to stop being so quiet about my sexual needs and desires.
I have had to unlearn that my sexual needs are not important – because they absolutely are.
I have also had to let go of a lot of insecurities about my sexual kinks, and learn that there are indeed people with the same kink out there who are willing to fulfill my needs while also being able to fulfill their own.
K. Is there a specific sexual interest, kink or desire that is an essential part of your sex life.? What is that, and how do you like to experience it?
KT: BDSM—-specifically with the dd/lg dynamic— as well as being fetishized for who i am (including my body type, looks, age) is absolutely an essential part of my sexual life and kink.
It allows me to be vulnerable and experience something that’s so taboo and wrong (that i’ve experienced before in life), but now, I get to have the power of setting boundaries, setting up the role playing, and saying No if i want to.
It also makes me feel like who i am is a sexually attractive being, (In the most extreme, but safe and consensual way).
I like experiencing it with someone i have an emotional connection with most; someone who i already trust.
K: What was the defining moment where you realized that interest was an essential part of your sexual identity?
KT: A defining moment for me, was when i asked one of my first BDSM partners, if i could call them “’Daddy”’, and if they could pretend they were going to hurt me and discipline me, because I just wanted to try it out.
As soon as it began happening, i was more turned on than i had ever been in my entire life, and i realized that THIS was what i was missing all the times before.
K: How has embracing your own sexual identity made you more empathetic and compassionate person?
KT: While embracing my own sexual identity as a bisexual submissive, into Dd/Lg, and BDSM, I’ve learned through both positive and negative experiences what it’s really like to trust someone and be vulnerable. It’s made me more empathetic and compassionate towards those with complicated relationships regarding their own sexual identities and experiences. I’ve also learned how to be more consciously aware of others’ identities and boundaries, and let that guide my actions.
K: The intersection of sex and race is a highly nuanced and charged subject. As a person of color, what is your view of cultural fetishism in a sexual play space?
KT: As a woman of color, I find that cultural fetishism often makes me feel conflicted. If the person/people of color involved are not only consenting to the fetishism but also engaged/turned on by it, who am I to say they shouldn’t partake in it? I don’t find it a turn on myself much, however I can understand it to be a safe outlet to re-live negative culurally oppressive experiences in your own way- with your control.
K: When do you feel the most empowered while having sex? What is involved?
KT: I feel the most empowered when i’m setting my own boundaries and when i get to say No. Saying no to someone, and having them be not only okay with it, but happy that i feel comfortable enough to say No, allows me to make myself vulnerable and comfortable, and feel empowered.
K: What are your top three must-have qualities for intense sexual chemistry?
KT: Must have qualities for intense sexual chemistry are:
1. Mutual Respect for all involved and their boundaries.
2. Mutual Trust
3. The ability to laugh if someone accidentally farts in the middle of sex (AKA- comfort)
K: What is intimacy and what does it mean to you?
KT: Intimacy to me, is a combination of vulnerability, trust, lust, and passion.
Intimacy doesn’t come so easily for me. Experiences from my past have left me very cautious, and wary when it comes to feeling comfortable and **safe** enough to feel intimate with someone.
K: How important is playfulness in your sex life?
KT: Playfulness is very important in my sex life. I’m very self-conscious and carry a lot of anxiety, especially about sex, so if i’m able go feel comfy and playful with a partner, odds are the sex will be much more comfortable and satisfying.
Follow KT’s journey on Instagram @kaj_mahal14.
Photos: Kshitiz Sharma